So I read my first couple of posts and realized they were quite dispiriting. I do admit that my life has taken a dramatic turn since my mom died. I will also admit that the news of my sister's health has definitely affected me, too. Perhaps it is because I am unemployed and awaiting for the Fall Semester to start back up that has caused me to feel so down right now. I mean, aside from seeking a job, my mind doesn't really have a lot to worry about so I worry about my sister's heath.
I am quite fortunate, though. And I do know this and I recognize it. For as long as I can remember (back to about 3- to 4-years of age), I have wanted to have a positive impact on the people in my immediate life. Be they family or friends or casual acquaintances, I always wanted to provide them with a little sunshine to their life. It would be incredible to me if I was in any way successful with this goal. I would like to believe that I was. Sure, I'm a human being and I have made plenty of mistakes along the way. But I think I did a relatively good job of providing folks with a shoulder when they needed one, a few good laughs when necessary, and was a friend to them. I started to screw that up (royally) when I hit age 30 and it wasn't until my mom died when I was 35 that I finally got my shit together. I'll save that 5 year story for another time.
All in all, I would really like to believe I was a good person. Perhaps I wasn't. That would be for others to tell me.
These days, I enjoy the simpler things in life. One main reason is due to my being a student and relying on student loans. hehe! But, aside from that, I believe I have finally come to terms with life and death. I am not saying I am comfortable with death, but I do accept it and am not afraid of it anymore. Because of this, I believe it has opened my eyes to the natural beauty of life and has led me to appreciate being alive a lot more. I definitely went through an "angry" period after my mom died, but I've let most of that anger go. It's such a useless emotion. Just as I let go of "jealousy" in my 20's. That emotion is absolutely useless.
Oh, I still get angry at times and I still experience the pangs of jealousy every once-in-a-blue-moon, but I have recognized these emotions for what they are. Interferences with being happy and being able to move forward with ones' life.
This blog definitely helps me to purge any anger I have towards a situation or towards society-at-large. (Sometimes, I purge my anger and frustration on Facebook even though so many feel that is inappropriate---which is one of the reasons I started this blog)
However, I do my very best to enjoy what each day brings me. I have a fantastic man in my life that shows me more love than I ever thought possible. Oh, we have the occasional argument here and there...but we always make up because we can not stand arguing with one another. LOL! I have said this about every man in my life, but this fellow has surpassed them all. He may tire of being with me one day, but until that day, I am going to hold on to this relationship with both hands and show him how much I love him each and every day.
I have two fantastic dogs that are so incredibly well-behaved and so happy and loved. I thank Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) for helping to train me to be a better pack-leader for my dogs. I screw up with them every once in a while, too, because I am human.
Rick and the girls (Parker and Roxie) provide me with more security than I have ever known. And that is saying a lot considering I'm a broke-ass student. LOL!
And, yes, I do blame being human as a reason for screwing up...but I blame myself for it, too. What?! Oh yes, I blame myself for all of my faults. I do not blame my family. I do not blame my friends. I do not blame society. I am the only one at fault for my own actions. Sure, I may be influenced to some degree by others, but every single time I screw up---it's My fault because everything I do in life is, ultimately, My choice. Therefore, my actions are my responsibility.
I hope this entry was less heavy than my previous ones. Most of this is supposed to be funny. Since I am not actually able to "speak" the words and am only able to "write" them, it is doubtful anyone reading this will laugh.
Today, I believe Rick and the girls and I will go on a picnic. Spend time in the sun. And enjoy the natural beauty our planet has to provide us. Hooray for living!
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